Pssssh. It Happens –Sugarland

*Sigh. Life sure has it's ups and downs, eh? Some days I feel like life couldn't possibly get any better and then you have days like these...

Tuesday, November 16th:

This morning started out like every other morning. Wake up. Check. Eat breakfast. Check. Work out with Megs. Check. After a little Cross-fit action, I brought Keshlyn home and went upstairs to take a shower. I will just preface this story with the fact that I do this everyday after working out... I closed my bedroom door and brought a few toys in the bathroom for Kesh to play with while I showered. Our shower is glass so I can see her through it.No big deal, right? Well, I hopped in the shower just as on a normal day and Keshlyn began to play with her toys. After several minutes, she wandered into the closet where my "junk jewelry" is. She loves to play with this! The only problem is, this is in my "blind spot!" I cannot see into the closet from the shower. But, I thought she was playing her usual dress up as every other day so I continued to wash my hair. After a couple more minutes I realize I can't hear the jewelry clinking.

Silence.

Oh no! Silence = bad. Very, very bad!!!! I throw open the shower door and leave a soapy water trail behind me as I leap into the walk-in closet. My eyes are frozen. My body is cold. My nose is disturbed by the awful, strong smell of... NAIL POLISH!!! OHHHHH Why? Why? Why can't I be the lover of lilac, nudes, and CLEAR nail polish!? But, oh no!!! I have to own every shade of hot pink there is!!! (ok, totally an exaggeration. But, I'm in the moment here. Work with me...) I witness that she had pulled my basket of nail polish off of the shelf and 5 bottles of polish were open and laying on their sides. 2 of them were emptying on my W-H-I-T-E carpet!!!! 1st my thought was, "I bet I could sell my child on ebay for some extra Christmas money. They sell everything on ebay." 2- "Wow. She is freakishly strong to be able to open those. I have a hard time opening them myself". & 3- "Apparently she is getting some serious height from her unusually tall parents... (bad joke. But, for real- the kid has always been around 90 percentile for height.)

I crouch down in the floor while chanting over and over, "No, no, no. Pink carpet. What am I going to do?" Finally it's all kicking in now in my brain and I register that Keshlyn was very naughty! I set her and her nail polish-stained clothes over to the side- a little behind me- and I'm pointing to the polish on the carpet and looking at her saying "Bad. You cannot pour things on the floor! No no!" I continue ranting while I'm picking up the polish and putting it back in the basket. I look  back to her again to tell her how naughty she'd been and she must have said "abracadabra" because she was gone! Really!!?!?!?!?!? I jump up and run into my bedroom and see her sitting in the corner with my FOOT cream she had snatched from the basket in the closet and had dug it out of the jar and it was ALL OVER HER! Holy Shamoley. Can this day GET any worse? WHOA, whoa, whoa...that thought was a dangerous one. Because yes, yes it can! And it did...

Flabbergasted that either A. my daughter is as quick as a cat or B. her mother is not all there upstairs, I picked her up and ran into the guest bathroom and shut the door behind me. I leaned up against the door and took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I thought to myself, "Did that JUST happen?"  I felt a lump gathering in my throat and tears began to puddle in my eyes because these days ONLY happen when Shannon is at "work" (although, if you ask me, what he was doing would be right up there with Disneyland compared to the crap I was dealing with). Right as I open my eyes, I began having a conversation with myself in my mind. I think, "I'm hungry."

"Why are you hungry? You just ate a snack. Piggy."
"What if you're pregnant?"
"I'm not pregnant!"
"You never know..."

I convinced myself to find out for sure. Keshlyn is just sitting in the floor this whole time. I walk out of the bathroom and shut the door trapping her inside. (I couldn't risk another DISASTER in the short time I was gone!) I ran into my bedroom and grabbed a pregnancy test I happened to have. I went back to the bathroom Kesh was in and produced some mellow yellow in a cup. .. I put a few drops on the test stick and sat it down on the counter. This is the test that yields 2 lines if positive and one line if negative. Within a few seconds, one line showed very dark. "Phew." I was off the hook and apparently just had the munchies. As I am processing this thought I look up and over to Keshlyn who is now standing up with her hands reaching over the bathroom counter. I scream, "NO!" just as she picks up and places the red cup directly over her head and turns. it. up. side. down... She looks straight into the urine as it falls onto her face, down her clothes, in her shirt, splashes ALL OVER THE WALLS, and yes, even into her mouth...

I drop to the floor, curl up to my knees and sob. I couldn't breathe. 

I look up through my tears, and see Keshlyn still holding onto the cup and staring at me like she was confused. Before  I realize what was happening, I noticed I was laughing so hard. I couldn't help it.What a ridiculous 30 minutes it had been! I really thought someone was filming me for the "Worst Mom Ever" award! I pulled myself together, striped Keshlyn down, and stood up to turn on the water in the sink to start washing her off. As I look down to reach for the knob, I notice out of the corner of my eye the dumb pregnancy test didn't look quite the same it did before. Now it had TWO DEFINITE LINES. "NO!" Silent screams! Laughter becomes sobbing again and I decided that my world was coming to an end in 9 months with the addition of another little bundle of joy (*cough). Lucky me.

Any other day this news would have been fabulous, but on this day I was questioning my intelligence and wondering why I ever thought "the wild thing" was amazing enough to be worth this consequence of a destroyed house, getting fat, and tearing my "hoo hah" all to pieces- AGAIN!

 This is how I told Shannon...

You know the saying, "it's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on" ... I don't know that Keshlyn would agree.

***After reading some comments this morning, I need to clarify that we are VERY EXCITED about the baby! LOL And I just think this story is HILARIOUS now! Of course at the time I thought I was having a nightmare, but Shannon laughed his head off and  I did too just telling him about it! It is a happy time, for sure!